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Words Of Wisdom
A Castle Is Not Built In A Day (Especially By Children With A Rubber Hammer) I would love to eventually have this section updated with Fraggers' all time best quotes, as well as "monthly gems". For that to happen, dear visitor, please do submit phrases most memorable from The Fragnostic and we can maybe work out a way to pick the best. Until then, and until we can refine this section into an experience we can enjoy together, please consider having a chuckle at the (damn, this must've taken a lot of work...) extensive list of quotes compiled by our fellow paladin, ClownWhosFeelnDown. Here you can check out the rest of the quotes he considers worthy of attention, from all around the world: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4467542/ClownWhosFeelnDown The ACTUAL Words Of Wisdom # "For fucks sake, who comes to the moon and brings five minutes worth of oxygen? You just find yourself losing all sympathy for people in these bloody horror games. You don't help yourself at all, do you?" -The Fragnostic; Houston, We Have a Problem # "There's me O2 meter. Probably reminding me that I need to breathe oxygen in order to stay alive. I need all the reminding I can get, apparently. Should have a big red light flashing on the inside of me helmet saying 'Don't take this off, dipshit.' But me nose itches. 'Don't you fucking do it!'" -The Fragnostic; Houston, We Have a Problem # "'It looks like a kitchen.' But is it? Have they actually just redecorated the toilet to fuck with your head? The mysteries of space." -The Fragnostic; Houston, We Have a Problem # "'A fact that no one should know.' Like how David Lane levitates? Come on, leave him alone. That's all he's got, don't ruin it for him. He'll have to get a proper job. Do you want to be served by him in McDonald's? I bet he'd take fucking ages." -The Fragnostic; Houston, We Have a Problem # "She sounds pleasant. Past tense though. Always the way, eh fellas?" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "What? Haha, the one button in this game flips you off when it's idle! Or 'exerts my will', according to this. I have instantly warmed to this game. Because that's really my entire attitude towards life. Hey door! Eat a fucking dick! Fuck you, ghost!" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Fuck everything that isn't me." -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "'The Darkness speaks. You must listen!' Listen to this, dipshit! 'Flips off' "Fucking no! Telling me how to live my life. You're not me dad. Or even from me dad! You're not eight pages long, smell of whiskey. Shut up jug!" 'Flips off' "Don't need a job! Me and me band are going places, you'll see!" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # 'Flips off' "How's this? This is what I think of you and yours pall!" 'Skeleton disappears' "Ok, that's how you defeat enemies to! Is this a great game? Well, it's getting there." -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Oh, Christ alive! We're back here again! The architect of this place needs shooting." -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Fuck off! You need to fuck off immediately! They've ganged up against me derogatory gestures!" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Aha, bye-bye fuckers!" 'Requires key' "Oh, come on!" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Oh, not you two again! Get fucked! Their just smarming around here like an anti-bullying council. 'We heard you've been making obscene gestures to the skeletons in the dungeon. We'd like to discuss your behavior in a calm, neutral environment.' Must. Flip. Harder. Than. Ever. Before!" 'Skeletons disappear' "Yes! Haha, it worked! The age of the bully endures! Where's the loos in this place? I'm going the give the next dead shite bag I see a fucking swirly." -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "You should have told more ghosts to go fuck themselves, love. See, they don't teach you this shit in school, do they?" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "A grown man, chucking me latrine pot all over the house. 'Walden, just come to check on you lad- W-what are you doing?!' 'Fuck off, I've been shot! I'm dealing with it in me own way.'" -The Fragnostic; Overcast: Walden and the Werewolf # "Good to know that the attempt on his life by three world famous assassins hasn't scared him into keeping his fucking gun loaded or anything ridiculous like that." -The Fragnostic; Overcast: Walden and the Werewolf # "That's it, you're going in the basement along with all the other things that get on me nerves. Like crates. And visitors." -The Fragnostic; Overcast: Walden and the Werewolf # "Me lamp's gone out, but my arm's still illuminated there, which means I'm just sort of casually on fire." -The Fragnostic; Overcast: Walden and the Werewolf # "Alright, what can we use? A wine bottle. Yeah, this seems pretty hopeless, let's just get spannered instead. Oh, it's empty. Fuck sake! I give up, I'll talk! The family's loaded, they'll pay you what you like. Got a hand-vac and everything. Oh, hold the phone. Screwdriver! There we go! Ya get nothing pal! I'm off. -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "'Sabastion threw the eggs on the floor.' Kidnap me? I'll trash your fucking house, mate. 'Sabastion picked up the apple juice.' There we go! Stick that on the shopping list, you prick. What's this? Well now you need more of it!" -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "'Sabastion realized that what he initially believed to be a towering man may have been a coat stand or bookshelf. He felt foolish. And damp down one leg.'" -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "Whoa, ok! There's the towering man. Sneaking up behind me. Naked. Ok. -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "I guess this is where Half-Wit Henry sleeps off his long days of sexually assaulting the furniture." -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "Listen you cunt, I could melt your face off just by fucking squinting at it, you understand that? If you tell me to be anywhere in six and three-quarters of a second again and it isn't because Magneto folded your wheel chair up and stuck it up your arse, I'm going to come in here and turn your bollocks into a pair of roman candles." -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "How dare you soil my woods with your filthy peasant's blood?!" -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "Come back here, primitive!" -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "I want some Goddamn answers, you understand me? I found this fork on a man that I shot to death. WHAT WAS HE PLANNING ON EATING WITH IT?! Answer, devil! A tree tried to poison me not far from here. WHO WAS IT WORKING FOR?!" -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "You're gonna answer for that, Goddammit! You're gonna tell me the 'why's' and the 'what the fucks' of that." -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "That one just ripped off his dick and threw it at me face!" -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "Ladies! Prepare to have your knickers moistened." -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "Dear God, it's begun. The sea is taking- nay SEAsing, the kingdoms of man! And here! More spies! Back in the ocean with thee, interloper. Tell your abyssal Jehovah that one stands against him! That never shall fin nor tentacle, nor flipper nor flapper, ever be raised to the rosy cheek of man without vengeful recompense. Get thee back into the tempest, and the night's plutonian shore! Leave no foul milt as a token of the lie thy soul hath spoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken! Quit the box upon my shore! Take thy fin from out my heart, and take thy form from off my shore! Quoth the sea fish, Nevermore." -The Fragnostic; Lumber Island # I will choose English. Because I took a year of Russian in school, and to this day, if I see it in written form, I begin to weep uncontrollably." -The Fragnostic; ColDream # "Stairs were, of course, invented in 1933 by John Stairs, who suffered from a unique form of insomnia, by which he believed that the moon was hurling racist abuse at him while he slept. Although his ingenious but flawed method of assassinating out only natural satellite ended in paraplegic tragedy from 13 feet above the roof of his Chicago apartment, his work has replaced mankind's reliance on impractical trampolines in places as diverse as houses, hospitals, Dracula's castle, and of course, this very game. So, here's to you, John Stairs. I can't give you back the money that Bob Elevator took from your estate, but I can forget to brake if I see him in the street." -The Fragnostic; Stairs # "I'll let you in on a secret. I don't really like horror games." -The Fragnostic; Stairs # "It's not that I haven't enjoyed my time in Nightmare Safari, it's just that, I'm not really up for the rashes that come with wearing shit caked underwear for prolonged periods." -The Fragnostic; Stairs # "They should have a lift or something in here, shouldn't they? I know it's probably purgatory or whatever, but- oh, here we are. Ask and you shall receive! Very nice. It's gonna come with a twist, isn't it? Like when you wish on the monkey's paw. You say, 'I wish for an end to world poverty.' And everybody starts eating each other. Or you say, 'I wish I had an Xbox.' And you get one. But then your dad explodes in the living room. It's like that saying, 'If it seems too good to be true... smack it with a hammer and chuck it in the sea.'" -The Fragnostic; Stairs # "One of the most beautiful sights in nature. A blue whale, gracefully reaching the end of its time on earth. And activating its nuclear self-destruct mechanism. So worth the radiation burns, and a colorful range of new tumors." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Oh, the radiation sickness won't let me run to far. Maybe if I stress it out hard enough I'll get some fucking superpowers out of it! Come on, flying ability upgrade! Oh, no, I just feel sick." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "'That red anomaly did something to me.' Damn you, red anomaly! Give me back my wife! She's no good to you. She can't cook or clean or nothing. I married her for her intense face." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Geiger counter's acting up. This, random Geiger counter. Oh no, it's reacting to me! It's only a matter of time before I grow another foot on me ass or something. Let me in! I need to piss without the glow of it giving away my position." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Ah, the rock is coated in a deadly venom! Why are there literally no benevolent features to this awful place?!" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Ladders! Natures skeleton key. Time for a home invasion. Purge, purge, purg-" 'falls of' "What the fuck? As soon as you go up you stagger of the side of the bastard. Come on. Slow and steady robs the house. 'gets stuck on window' Come on! Get in the bloody house! What the fuck is your problem, you irradiated dickhead! Climb the pissing ladder, and step through- Oh, my fucking God, this is a problem. Get up! Jesus Christ. Put your useless broken flashlight away, and use both your hands to-" 'gets through window' "Thank fucking lord! What a calamity." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "What goblin fearing social rapist lives here, I wonder. Wonder no more!" 'opens door, ghost appears' "What? Oh God, shit." 'dies' -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Sofas! Long standing victims of sexual abuse from the desperately lonely. But what happens when the sofas- rape back?!" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "'Looks like red anomaly gives some people extraordinary abilities. My calculations show that the source of anomaly is located deep underwater.' Well, where are mine? I requested flight, as I recall, not having an Ouija board stuck up my ass that summons every angry ghost from here to Bollock Mountain. -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # God, I hate dogs. I hate animals! All of 'em! We need another flood. Except this time only me, my family, and my subscribers are allowed on the ark. Then we'll see who the most popular Youtuber is." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "These go on forever, these bloody caves. What's even the point of caves? We haven't needed them for millions of years. Let's just blow 'em up. Then cavers will need to find something else to bore us to death about on Monday morning. 'You'll never guess what God forsaken armpit of the earth I went down this weekend.' 'You're right, I won't. Because I don't care to.' 'I'll just tell you quick. We-we just edged past this brutal boulder choke, deep in the Dark Zone-' 'Shut up Josh! Just shut your mouth! Nobody gives two shits about how many stalagmites you spent your Saturday afternoon humping. Just shut the fuck up, cut your hair, and do some Goddamn work, you weirdo. And I'm not coming to see your band! Not ever! I fucking hate Scar, I fucking hate you, and the sooner your rope snaps while you're pissing your knickers over a room made of rocks, the better.' Now, unfortunately, Josh was my manager, so I was homeless for a bit after that." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Don't run, little girl. I'll help you. You put in a good word with God for me, eh? I've done some shit that's, uh, not in the Bible. Oh, oh! A bear trap! You tricky little bitch. You better hope I don't find your skeleton, little girl. You don't know the meaning of the term 'improper burial.'" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Look, they're all over there. Having a bloody mother's meeting. 'H-How do you like to scare the shit out of people? Because, I like the idea of charging into them, but, that kills you, and, who knows whats after this? I mean, this is a definite down-grade to being alive, isn't it? This-this is shit. What's the next world going to be like?' 'I charged a horse once.' 'No you didn't, Frank.' 'Yes I did, I charged right at his face! He ran off and caused a traffic accident that killed two hundred people.' 'It was one hundred and fifty last week.' 'Two hundred people! And one of them was Ronny Craig. And you said 'Fair play, Frank', and bought me a drink and shagged a barmaid. Two! Two barmaids, twice. Each.'" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Ah, thank God, civilization! Give me your soul, cunt! I mean, uh, hi. Can you-" 'Woman runs away' "Ahh, dammit. I just can't talk to women. Please come back! I'm sorry I was weird. Woman! Come out! What do women want? Babies and shit? You want a baby?! I'm fertile as fuck. I know a good cave. It's only got one body in it." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # 'I've received a new message' "Oh, no, sorry, I can't answer you right this second, I'm contracting cancer in a fucking toxic waste dump. BRB. 'She is waiting for you at a pier.' Oh, come on, you can't tell me which one? What plan are you on, Neverworld Pay As You Go?" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Oh, there she is. I see her. You better not have fucked her up! I'm not dealing with 3am sobbing fits and 'Oh, do you mind if we just cuddle tonight, all I can hear is the screaming of the dead.'" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Your prototype has a terrible problem! Whenever it encounters an error it summons a dead bitch with face lurgy to kill you!" -The Fragnostic; Sophie's Curse # "Ah, here we go. Hell! In all it's maleficent glory! I have to say, I envisioned the gates to Hell being slightly more foreboding. I need a key?!" -The Fragnostic; Inside: Before Birth # "Hold me closer, tiny hell gate." 'Opens gates' "I'm not even gonna shut it. What are you going to do, send me to Hell?" -The Fragnostic; Inside: Before Birth # "I'm not walking for dramatic effect, by the way. It's taken away me sprint option." -The Fragnostic; Inside: Before Birth # "Some swings! Can I play on them? No! Probably for the best. Feels like I'm about to keel over from the excitement of a light jog, here. Pulling of my trademark 720 loop with double-tuck, back flip dismount might pop my fucking heart open like Mickey Rourke in 'The Wrestler'. Well, I call it my trademark. The doctors had another, much more depressing name for it. Now I get weekly steroid injections into my spine, that make me SO BLOODY ANGRY that I can't take a piss without wanting to rip my dick off and beat someone to death with it! So, you know. I guess the lesson here is: Doctors ruin dreams." -The Fragnostic; Absence # "Fuck yeah, we're using the plasma cannon. We're using it twice. One for each nut. Taste divine cleansing, you grey faced commoners! Whaaat! How does that even begin to miss?! Goddammit! This time." -The Fragnostic; Dead Trailz # "Signal Grenades. 'The main street is overrun. Guide them to a different route.' Buy some of these, then. What about common sense, can you buy them any of that?" 'Throws signal' "Alright, there we are. This way, lemmings. Or just fucking ignore me! That's cool too. Christ alive! These people are to stupid to save. I've got to repopulate the earth with these imbeciles. We'll have a gene pool that looks like the aftermath of a Milk of Magnesia overdose." -The Fragnostic; Dead Trailz # "You can't even skip this poxy intro. And it's in elvish. And there's something terrifying about that field of catatonic cows. And I'm driving around on four flat tires. Now the games repeating the intro! Without speech! I'm not even joking here, what the fuck? What the actual fuck? I'm upside down. I'm upside fucking down! I can still move around, look, there's the ghost cat, there. But the game's spawned me doing the fucking crab. This- I've played some horrendous fucking messes in my time, but this is special. It takes talent to make something this bad." -The Fragnostic; Red Lake # "Anything goes here, apparently. That's not the sort of thing you want to tell the man who shot his way out of three maximum security prisons." -The Fragnostic; Mission Runway # "Holy shit, what have I created? 'It sleeps twelve hours a day, can grow to nearly three meters in length, and chases it's prey down at 60km/h!' But it's missing something. Oh, I know! Handbag. I know tigers don't usually carry them, but it's part of her camouflage. 'Ma'am, we've noticed a 2000% increase in mutilated business men across this area. You wouldn't happen to be a half jungle cat, half women, serial killing prostitute would you?' 'No officer, look, I've got a handbag. Tigers don't have handbags.' 'I guess not ma'am. You have a good day.'" -The Fragnostic; Mission Runway # "Oh-hoho, fuck yes. She's a marvel of cross-genetic engineering, isn't she? Look, she almost walks convincingly, too. It took several expensive surgeries to correct her tiger spine, but-" camera focuses on judges "'laughs' The black guy's like 'I ain't looking it in the eyes. It'll take my soul to tiger-lady hell!' 'Give back the jewels you stole from my temple, Outlander! Hiss.' I've got this thing in the bag, man. And by that, I mean if I'm not immediately eliminated for my crimes against nature, something is deeply wrong with the universe this game inhabits." -The Fragnostic; Mission Runway # "Oh, you're kidding. You don't look sharp enough for sarcasm, so you're deadly fucking serious, aren't you. You people. You people appall me. Everything about the way you see the world is wrong! You have to understand that. Oh my god, he's dancing. Look what's behind me! I have insulted creation itself! Well, there you are. Three for three. -The Fragnostic; Mission Runway # "I am never seen but always heard. What am I? Invisible chainsaw man!" -The Fragnostic; Doom # "Now we're going to want to conserve as much ammo as possible on this first map, so we're going to let these idiots kill themselves." -The Fragnostic; Doom: Inferno # "My misses googled me a while ago to see how famous I was. The answer was not very, obviously, but somebody's made a list of all their favorite quotes of mine. That's amazing. Can't tell you what pride that gave me. There's tons of them on there. I tried to actually call them to ask about it, but I've saved it to my favorites. Check back there every now and again to see if they've added anything. Thanks, whoever did that. My ego is now swollen to the level of aroused megalodon." -The Fragnostic; Doom: Inferno # "Alright, so, lets say you're a journalist, and you get an exclusive chance to go and cover hell. You know, like when the BBC get to tour around some Afghani war general's camp or whatever. So you get your camera crew together, which is difficult because Bob takes some convincing. He did some stuff back in the day that he's pretty convinced the devil's not going to let him back out for. So you email Satan at BigRedMachineBC@aol.com, and you make him promise not to drag Bob of to the Meadow of Flaying, with tea rooms of mutilation, and Satan says 'Yeah, yeah, whatevs.' But Bob's not buying it! He keeps saying, 'There's something about this guy I don't trust.' 'Oh, like what Bob' You say, 'Like he's the fucking devil? For fucks sake, go home. I'll take Ted instead.' So you, Ted and Berry, your sound guy, go on to the agreed place, at the agreed hour, then doth thou strip naked, and reciteth the black verses whilst chucking a sack of kittens into the fucking river, or whatever, and the soil bubbles and seethes, like boiling blood, and there, before you, gapes the entrance to hell itself. And there's an imp standing there with one of those name card things. So you, Ted and Berry get chauffeured down the river Styx in a luxury canal boat made from the bodies of anyone that died wearing a Coldplay t-shirt because, pussy's float better, for some reason. And besides all the wailing and cursing of the black name of Chris Marten, it's really not to bad at all, because, despite himself, Satan obviously wants some good press out of all this. So he's laid out biscuits, and some punch, and he's got a hell baron in a tuxedo on the deck singing Sinatra to keep you entertained. I mean, you think it's Sinatra, the only notes he can hit are the ones that make up his demonic battle cry. So 'New York, New York' sounds like three minute portmento of various cows falling down a well, but you appreciate the effort. And the imp tells you that Satan had originally booked Hell's hottest slapstick comedy duo, Cain and Abel, a pair of cyber demons, but they both gotten on the boat at the same time and it flipped up on its end like a horny dolphin, and dumped Abel into the drink, while Cain landed on the harbor, but the water got into his cyber legs and made them malfunction, and the last time anyone saw him he was sprinting down the coastline while trying to rip his own feet off. So you get to the docks and say 'hey' to the Beetles, who were sitting around on crates holding tire irons waiting for Paul McCartney to show up, and you're surprised to see Ringo there, like, 'I didn't know you died Ringo.' And he's like, 'Oh yeah.' Because apparently he was murdered and replaced by his own reflection of 1968 while playing a bloody marry type game on Halloween with Blue Lou. She managed to kill her doppelganger with ironing board and a curling iron, but the entire experience left her deeply disturbed, which is why she shouts all the time. And you get on the coach and after a 45 minute trip down the highway to hell, and the B197 to hell, and the roundabout to hell, and the A614 to hell, and then rainbow pudding lane for a bit because the dual carriageway's closed, you stop at the Meadow of Flaying because the imp needs a piss, and you're slightly bemused to see Bob getting his skin raked off with his dead grandmother's fingernails. And it turns out that a half hour after you sent him home, he got hit and killed by a bus, which would have been far less suspicious if it hadn't happened in his living room, but hey ho, you got a job to do. So back on the coach, we join the A614 to hell, and finally, you take the exit into Pandemonium. Now, you've not got to long to look around, because you've been warned to get yourselves gone before rush hour, when the lost souls come pouring out of their menial factory jobs to go and get shitfaced down in the pub, bump into the sergeants, and start a giant fucking shootout that nobody ever survives, so you decide to hit the high streets and see what demons do for fun. So you head into a clothes shop, 'Pri-Mark of the Beast', and you struggle to comprehend how any creature, either living or dead, could wear anything on the racks. You approach the capra demon assistant, clutching what appears to be a loose nail to a plesiosaur rectum, and a leather gimp mask for an octopus wizard, to get some insight. But it cannot speak without launching a pitiless barrage of electric death directly at your face. Your impressively swift reactions, perfected in your days of interviewing the paranoid schizophrenics of the Portuguese royal family, as heavily inbred as they were armed to the teeth, save you from an a paupers funeral, but your camera and sound man are not so lucky. You decide not to speak to anybody else and move across the street to a laundry mat, where a former marine is becoming increasing agitated, as he attempts to put his washing into a machine, unaware that he is feeding it to a mischievous specter, who alternates between spitting it back out or eating it. As you begin to wander a bit further down the road you begin to suspect a high unemployment among the specter community, as they seem only to hang around in gangs of 4 or 5 and inconvenience others by standing in front of shop doors, or inhabiting phone booths while snickering loudly. You round off the afternoon with a trip to a canteen that Satan himself recommended to you for some traditional lusiferian dining. And you are entirely unsurprised when the imp chef attempts to poison you, your survival solely down to a specter eating your chips behind your back and dropping dead while another attempted to distract you by urinating on your feet. Repulsed as you are with every fiber of living, breathing being at the shallow, hideous mockery of human existence, or perhaps instead at what it is destined to become, you are forced to write, in print, that it is better than fucking Sundolin. You're fired the next day by your editor, drink yourself into a deep depression, and attempt to shoot yourself in the field, but you drop the gun and blast yourself through the kneecap, alerting a pack of flesh eating weasels to your location, who chase you for a mile and a half before finally overcoming you, in an overgrown layby, behind a kebab van. Your death is agonizing. The end! Well, that took up most of the level! Thanks you kindly sir! And we're leaving with maxed out health and armor, all the guns, and a shitload of ammo. I fucking thank you, lovelies!" -The Fragnostic; Doom: Inferno # "There were quite a few movies made out of the book. The best of them was probably 'The Twilight People' with Pam Grier. The most infamous was the 1996 movie with Marlin Brando and Valkelma. Man, don't even know where to fucking begin trying to explain that one to you. If you ever make the terrible mistake of watching it, and find it to be an incoherent shovel of cat shit from the most purebred on nonsense beasts, I do urge you to look into the making of it, because it is a miracle that they even got the absurdity that they did out of it. A lot of it stemmed from hiring Valkelma, who was notoriously insane, and Marlin Brando, who was either also notoriously insane or had just reached that point in his career when peoples lives and jobs were little more than fragile toys to crush for his amusement. The studio fired the original director, Richard Stanley, after 4 days, at which point he apparently shredded every production document he could find, took a bunch of mushroom he found in the jungle, and spent the rest of the shoot lurking around in a dog costume. He was already in a particularly fragile mood anyways, seeing as a hurricane had hit the production. While they were trying to bring animals over on a boat, Stanley got pissed on by an agitated puma. Marlin Brando found an ice bucket on set and wore it as a hat and refused to take it off. Seriously. It's in the fucking movie! He's sitting there wearing an ice bucket on his damn head. Then he refused to wear any pants, so the new director, John Frankenheimer, was forced to only use shots that had him from the waist up. Then he befriended a midget he met and demanded that he starred in the film with him. So they got to give a bunch of other actors lines, who the midget would constantly try to physically attack like he was Brando's rabid pet chihuahua or something. Then they had to cancel an entire days worth of filming because Brando and Valkelma would start competitions over who could refuse to leave their trailer the longest. There's honestly so much more. I don't want to ruin another entire map going off on a mad tangent." -The Fragnostic; Doom: Inferno # "Eat pulsating blue shit! If I'm gonna die then you better have a crowbar handy, because your going to have a hard time pulling my STONE COLD DEAD DICK, OUT OF YOUR ASS!" -The Fragnostic; The Ultimate Doom # "Instead of demons, the monsters were genetic experiments that were created by adding an extra chromosome into a host. Which, ah, is actually how you incite down syndrome in babies, so maybe using it as a plot device to create drooling, ravenous machine gun fodder wasn't the kindest of ideas." 'laughs' "I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at the plight of the disabled, but, what fucking idiot came up with that? Really?" -The Fragnostic; The Ultimate Doom # "Oh dear, life seems pointless now. I'm just going to ruin the fucking newspaper in retaliation. Bye General Byng. If I can't be happy nobody can. There we go. My trash can looks like I decapitated a Dalek. Maybe I did. You don't want to get on the wrong side of me when I'm off my pills mate, I'll Cut Your FUCKING FACE OFF. Drug trials are a qualified success, not in my bloody office they're not." -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "Why is there a hanging midget in my house?" -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "Oh my God, Mia Humphreys! I haven't got any fucking stew! Alright? Look at me. I'm carrying around a pair of rotten mushrooms and a jimmy bar! And I have to find a way to make that into a meal that wont give me diarrhea explosive enough to crack my fucking ribs! That's how my evenings going. Alright? Kindly piss off." -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "You're not going to throw yourself off the bridge, are you Rodney? Because, you know, I need to get there, and I was thinking I could just follow you." -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "You know people are always saying, 'Oh, Fraggers-.' Well, I mean, they don't call me Fraggers, that's not my actual name. My name's Rob. I haven't gotten to the point were I demand they call me by my internet name yet. 'Daddy I'm hungry.' 'AND YOU'LL EAT WHEN YOU CALL ME FRAGGERS, BOY! SAY IT! SAY MY TRUE NAME!' Hahaha! 5000! 5000 subscribers and I'll do it! 'Dr. Brown will see you now, Mr. Chapel.' 'THAT IS MY SLAVE NAME, YOU FUCKING RACIST!' Haha! And I'll just be standing at the front door waiting for the postman every morning, 'Who is that letter addressed to? Don't you dare put that filth through my letterbox! DON'T YOU DARE!' Haha!" -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "Eight quid! Fuck me, what a day! Now I just have find someplace that accepts money instead of unspeakable sexual favors, and we're on our way to the high life! Silk sheets! Venison pie! Tyranasaur skin sofas! Golden biscuits! Perrnies! -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "Oh, the fighting's over, is it? Another action packed set piece skillfully sidestepped by the game." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "I swear to God, if I open that door and you're still calling me Rookie, I'm going to pistol-whip you until you think I'm your dad." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "Oh, I'm clumsy am I? Because I'm the stupid bitch that locked herself in a room. Guarantee I'll come back this way and those rooftop sentries will be firing at me while baking the xenomorphs brownies." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # 'Crap, the elevators are down! I'll try to reroute the power.' "I'll bet she turns the music back on instead." 'music turns on' "Yeah, there we go. You stupid fuck." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "Yeah, it was actually, it was a great party. And nobody invited you. You know why? Cause nobody likes you. And when you dance it looks like somebody electrocuted a gibbon. You dance like animal cruelty." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "Did Tequila lock herself in another room? Or rerouted the power to some sort of killer fucking robot army? Can we just shoot her? Can we agree that her IQ is grounds for a mercy killing?" -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # 'This is Charlie Team. Which rear echelon motherfucker ordered us to retreat into a dead end?' "Her names Tequila. No, no, it's actually her name." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "You know, a little while ago I was complaining that the xenomorphs from the movie 'Aliens' were about a hundred times dumber than the ones from the first film. But I actually understand it now. The aliens take on some of their hosts physical characteristics, as displayed by the dog alien in 'Alien 3'. So with a colony of these dumb fucks to breed with, it's a wonder they're able to run in a straight line at all." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "Heartless! Like a motherfucking jellyfish." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "It was better when Arnie did it. 'I know now why you cry. You are pussy! John Connor is a fucking choir boy! ARRGAHY!" -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "Dead birds and metal pieces? That's- that's the most disgusting collectable I've ever heard of. What the fuck! 'Agent Thomas, what is that smell? Have you been picking up dead birds again?' 'No, Chief.' 'Turn out your pockets. My God, man, they're everywhere. Jesus Christ almighty, that's- they're in your pants as well, aren't they!?' 'Special bird.' 'Ah, get it out of my face!' 'Special bird for special Chief. Collectable bird.' 'Somebody help me, he's trying to stick it in my mouth!'" -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "It's more like an axe shaped hammer. You have to watch out for them in the old hardware store. It's one of my favorite games. You go in there and say, 'I need an axe shaped hammer.' And see how long it takes them to write you off as a legitimate imbecile. My record's three hours. 'No! For the last time, this is an axe. This is a hammer. I just want this, in the shape of this. How hard can it be to comprehend?' 'Do you- do you mean a pickax, sir?' 'Get me the CEO of this shit hole right now.'" -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "'Find Rosa.' Really!? I spent half the damn game on the phone to her, I can't just fucking call her to find out where she is?" -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "What, can you only get a hold of her when you scan some disgusting DNA evidence in? Do I got to piss on a corpse whenever I want to chat? 'Damn it bitch, you want white bread or brown? Fuck.' 'Sir why are you masturbating into the donuts!?' 'crying' 'It's the only way she'll talk to me.'" -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "Hahaha. Like he'd have a face left to scream with." -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # Stay calm Rosa. I'm going to look for a book that teaches you how not to swing the sledge hammer like such a pussy." -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "The only magic thing about Condemned is how it manages to keep moving WITH SO MANY FUCKING HOLES IN IT!" -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "You know, this is maybe the hardest time I've ever had commentating a game, and at first I thought I was just losing my touch, or burned out, or whatever. But I've finally figured it out. It's because everywhere looks the fucking same, and nothing ever happens. Like, a lot of these stages are forty minutes long, but I'm chopping them down to ten in editing. Easily. Because nothing happens. And then wh-" 'floor falls out beneath him.' "Ahh, fuck meeee! Alright. You win this round, Condemned." -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "You know, credit to this game. When it began way back at that crime scene, I never thought that by the end of it I'd be having an old school duel with a topless demon ninja. It sure sprung that out of the fucking twilight zone at me." -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "You know, I'm always amazed by the pathing in these 2D platformers. Or 2.5D platformers, or whatever stupid name they've got now. Sidescrollers. Whatever. There's always a way through, isn't there? Take something like Streets of Rage. You start at one end of the city, walk in one continuous straight line through the streets, across the beach, onto a ship, through a factory, and then straight into Mr. X's lair. Axel and Co.. must feel like absolute gods just strolling down the road, not even having to take a corner." -The Fragnostic; Inside # "I'll let matey here climb the ladder, make out with his boyfriend. And while they're draining each others balls, I do believe I'll nick that boat. 'No words, Frank. Just get in the cabin.' 'Oh yes, of course my flower.' 'You can take me here.' 'Oh, well, yes, hold on, let me tug myself off a little bit first.' 'You never used to have to play with yourself.' 'God dammit, not this shit again!' -The Fragnostic; Inside # "Once, there was a brave monkey, who loved to climb. He climbed to the top of every tree in the jungle. Even those home to the fierce leopard, the deadly snake, and the upsetting snake-leopard. Soon, the monkey had climbed to the top of every tree, and said to his friend he owl. 'Friend Owl, what am I to do now that there are no more trees to climb?' And the owl said. 'Monkey, have you not seen? Man has come to our jungle. They chop down our trees, they poison our earth. Soon, there truly will be no trees to climb.' And in that moment, Monkey realized the wisdom of Owl's words. 'I understand.' said Monkey. 'Man only takes our trees because he does not know the joys of climbing them! I shall show him! and then we shall-' 'No!' Owl interrupted. 'No Monkey. Shut the fuck up for a moment, and listen. Do not go anywhere near the man camp. Do you hear me?' But Monkey was already running towards the clamor and song of the men, eager to show them the great joys of climbing trees. But Monkey did not know he raced towards an encampment of mentally disturbed American soldiers, for these were the jungles of Vietnam! Owl arrived on the scene quickly enough that concussive explosion of the land mine stunned him. He spiraled to the ground just in time to miss his skull being fractured by Monkey's flailing leg, still barely attached to lump of twitching torso. Hooting and shrieking, Owl drew more attention to himself than life could allow, and an American GI mistook him for a winged attack midget, and burned him alive with a flamethrower. The End!" -The Fragnostic; Inside # "Looks like another library where the rules were blatantly ignored. Can't imagine these people died quietly." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # 'Little pig!' "What the fuck. Who you calling a pig, Fatty!?" 'gets thrown through window' "No, fuck, I'm sorry! What are your comments on the Murkoff Corporatiooooooon?!" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "It's all going in the report, Murkoff!" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "I'm trying to save the batteries as much as possible, because it's chewing through them like a cave women through an umbilical cord." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "This is exactly the same office! Look, it's fucking identical. Madness. Oh wait, it's got two doors. That's why. Haha, I knew that!" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "I sure hope you're not going to impede my efforts to restore power to this facility. And if you are, I sure hope you like looking for a cowering man inside one of several lockers." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "This must be where they keep the sane ones, eh? Look at these winners." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "I- I'm actually speechless. Somebody fucking a dead body, on screen, in a video game. I- I literally have no jokes to make here, I'm actually shocked. Fuck me, I didn't think it was possible." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "You remember Mario? You remember running along, one end to the other, collecting coins, jumping on enemies. You remember all that? You do a few levels, get to the castle, jump through the traps, and then- then you get to the end! You know, you get to the big bridge. And do you know what you'd see? Hmm? Do you remember what you'd see? Not Bowser fucking Princess Peach's dead body! Not that shit!" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "Well, you have to give Murkoff the credit, I guess. These sewers are pretty damn clean. This is the nicest fucking sewer I've ever written an exposé on. It's all going in the report, Murkoff! This'll go under 'pros'. Along with 'steady, albeit improbably placed supply of batteries.'" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "Come on, you pudgy shit. Get on with your feeble investigations and get out of my face. That's it. Only check the locker next to me, like you always do. Because I couldn't possibly be hiding in- Oh shit." monsters opens locker and grabs him "Oh shit! Whaaat?! That's not fair! You're not allowed to be good at searching! You're not allowed to learn!" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "What you do is you kidnap a guy, blindfold him, and tie him to a chair. Then say 'You hungry boss?' If he says no, then, that's fine to, he will be eventually. When he's hungry, you say, 'How about a nice cheese sandwich?' And you get him the sandwich. But instead of cheese you put ham in there. Then you feed it to him. 'Mmm, yum yum. How 'bout that cheese?' And you keep that up for about five years, then turn him loose.Watch his mind literally fall apart the next time he tries to buy himself lunch!" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "Substandard restraints on patient wheelchairs and beds allow me to escape certain death at the hands of a faded 80's movie star, it's all going in the report, Murkoff!" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "Don't you hate it when you kill a guy, with an elevator, and you have to step all over his flabby naked ass to flee the crime scene! It's like, 'I better get out of here before his death shit goes all over my legs and the dogs have got something to follow!' Miles Upshur ladies and gentlemen! The appropriate authorities have been notified. Please enjoy this brief musical interlude, and try your best to ignore the sounds of struggle and gunfire from the rear of the stage." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "You don't escape the dragon's lair by shouting your mouth off and banging your sword and shield together, do you? You sneak out, on the very end your tippity-tip toes, and if he sees you, you go, 'Hey, look over there! There's some dwarves trying to steal your treasure!' And the dragon goes, 'Dwarves? You realize that is now widely considered an offensive term for those of medically recognized diminutive stature, don't you?' 'Oh no! You're a social justice dragon!' 'That's right, fool! Now burn. With liberal shame!' 'Ahh, my feelings!'" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "Wait. Was- was that the Walrider?" 'laughs' "I just- I just totally blanked the Walrider!" 'continues laughing' "He was- he was making a big fucking show of it in the middle of the path! 'I am the Walrider, the end of all men! You will bow to-' 'Yeah, that's great, get the fuck out of my way.'" 'laughs even more' "And he just- he just flew off! 'Fine, fuck you man!'" 'keeps laughing' "'Fear me, mortal worm!' 'Yeah, maybe later, I've got a lot of shit to do.' Haha. Oh, mercy me!" 'opens door, Walrider flies through' "Oh, there he is again! He's a needy kind of fellow, isn't he?" 'reads note' "'God help me, I think I've seen the Walrider.' He's lurking in the background watching me write that. 'Good, good.' Haha. What an attention seeker! Reminds of of those terrible people that post on social media, stuff like 'Really pissed off!' And then someone asks them why and they go, 'Inbox me, bb.' 'OMG, I can't believe this, FFS!' 'Everything all right, Walrider, hon?' 'PM me bai' Haha. 'Walrider sent you a poke. Walrider changed his relationship status to 'It's complicated.'' 'Y dis always happen 2 me? >:( >:( -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "'Walrider has tagged you in a picture.' ''''OMG guys, look at my new pony!' 'Babes, not saying it's photoshopped, but wheres your arms gone?' 'Lost them in bad car accident, inbox me.' Haha. I'm sorry. He's very scary, I'm sure. 'Walrider has invited you to an event, 'My 21st'. We gonna start at Wetherspoon's and go Mt. Massive Asylum.' 'Y u wanna go Mt. Massive for, lol? That place fulla weirdos.' 'Fuck sake Bethany, don't come then!' 'Nah babes, I was joking!' 'Oh yeah, me to lol. U so funny.' Haha. 'Walrider sent you a gift on Farmville!' 'Sent u bare chickens babes! Visit my farm innit.'" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "You know, for a journalist, Miles doesn't say much, does he? He's not very forthcoming with his questions." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "Don't make Miles mad! Don't cross Miles motherfucking Upshur! He'll hide in a locker and make you find him! Don't fuck with this ice cold killer. He'll write mean things in his journal about you." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "If we move fast we might be able to catch Wernicke and steal his wheel chair. That'll speed things along." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "I will answer one question I get a lot, actually, which is, 'What has been your personal scariest moment in a video game?' And this is really partly on me and partly on the game. I think it was last year, I played a game called 'Stairs', some of you might remember. Started out really slow, wound up being really good for the most part. Well, there's a part of the game where you get to a room, and a voice whispers right in your ear, 'I'm standing right behind you.' And you get a good old chill run down your spine and everything. Well I carried on playing for a bit. And I went in and started editing it for the video straight after. Well, when I got to that bit, in the video editor, that whisper was not fucking there. And I played it over and over, I turned the volume up and everything, but nothing. And I cannot describe to you how hard I nearly shit myself, before I realized I was looking at the wrong bit of footage, Hahahaha. I mean, in my defense it was like 2am, but lord almighty that sent my dick shriveling up like it had eighty birthdays at once." -The Fragnostic; Joe's Diner # "Badgers are, like, the least sexist animal." -The Fragnostic; Share # 'Picks up axe' "Let the carnage begin!" 'Drops axe.' "Oh. You can't swing it. But you can hold it, and pretend you have the balls to, I guess." -The Fragnostic; Share # "What a nice lady. I wish her all the luck in the world in the search for her child's father. Who is not me." -The Fragnostic; Don't Chat with Strangers # "There we go. Oh wait, I've fucked that up, haven't I? I failed a memory test for Chimpanzees!" -The Fragnostic; Don't Chat with Strangers # "And how about some tunes! What's in the tune box?" 'radio explodes' "Well I can't fucking dance to that, can I?!" -The Fragnostic; Don't Chat with Strangers # "Oh, I see, alright, you're just... pushing the button. Fuck me. You're pathetic! Hahahaha! I didn't even know you could be bad at this game. What are you, fucking crippled? You're, like, a head on a toe. Oh, oh, could you finish strong!? Could she get nineteen? New personal best! Haha, what an embarrassment. I could never love you. Oh, get in your fucking safe space, you tit. It's time for a real game, like- Oh what a bloody surprise, she murdered me for beating her at Buttons!" 'restarts game with him purposefully losing' "Ugh, this is pitiful. This actually reminds of when those hand held cyber pets first came out. If you didn't let them win at games they'd get mad at you and shit all over the place. Fine by me, I ain't cleaning it up. You want rid of it? Fucking eat it. Ah, you beat me, ah, son of a bitch,you totally- How are you that good, Lucy? Where did the gift begin?" -The Fragnostic; Don't Chat with Strangers # "Alright, it always seems to circle around to me calling her, so I guess that's the one big step forward here. I'll check first though. 'Dies' "'Sighs' Yeah, yeah, you got to call her." -The Fragnostic; Don't Chat with Strangers # "What is your problem? I'm not allowed to beat you at Buttons, I'm not allowed to lose to you at Buttons! Why are you haunting the Buttons game, you madwoman! Go haunt a basement like everybody else!" -The Fragnostic; Don't Chat with Strangers # "'Do you have any hobbies?' My God, I'm so afraid of offending her. 'Not really.' I'll go with that, that's a safe answer, isn't it. 'You must be boring.' No, wait! I don't have time for hobbies because... I'm a spy! I-" 'Dies' "She killed me for being boring!" -The Fragnostic; Don't Chat with Strangers # "Here's one from the M.C. Escher's school of Geometry. Ground gives way, you fall down a long hole, and end up on top of a cliff with a flying horse." -The Fragnostic; Frankenstein: The Monster Returns # "You'll be pleased to know that the Great and Unrivaled Demon Horse has earned his reputation, not so much through any physical or martial prowess, so much as flying around like a big girl at the top of the screen and waiting for his opponents to keel over with a cramp from trying to jump ten feet in the air to hit him." -The Fragnostic; Frankenstein: The Monster Returns # "I, the Great and Invincible Blademaster, have been struck down, by a creature whose entire attack plan consists of fleeing to the top of the screen. Anyway, if you try to walk past Blademaster he'll just keep talking to you, so you respectfully perform a standing nine foot jump over his prone body, and continue on your way. Without rubbing it in that you easily butchered the same joke of a boss that I guess must have inadvertently kicked him in the head while it was trying to escape combat of any form in a blind panic." -The Fragnostic; Frankenstein: The Monster Returns # "Now, once you got rid of that pesky hand, you need to aim for the open stump that's left behind, and once you've hit that about seventy million times, his body will be completely consumed by fire. Yes, fire. Fire, that Emily was holding onto the whole time, but refused to use on him to escape or slow him down. Fire, that is Frankenstein's only true weakness, and yet here he is, SPITTING IT ENDLESSLY OUT OF HIS FUCKING FACE!" -The Fragnostic; Frankenstein: The Monster Returns # "Oh no, what a horrible night to have a curse!" -The Fragnostic; Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest # "There's a strict 6:00pm curfew enforced by a rampaging army of corpses, so no pubs or clubs or anything like that." -The Fragnostic; Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest # "Haha. The encroaching evil that swallows your land has frayed your mind. Hahaha." -The Fragnostic; Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest # "I'm telling you, somebody up there wants me alive for something. Must be this, because I can't be fucked to do anything else, quite frankly." -The Fragnostic; Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest # "Oh behold! Ghastly, mighty Death in his ominous robes of mauve. How could one hope triumph over one such has-" 'kills Death' "What an absolute joke." -The Fragnostic; Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest # 'walks past Death' "Get out of my way, you had your fucking chance." -The Fragnostic; Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest # "Why has nobody made this movie? I don't give a shit about Greedo shooting first, or adding some fucking dewbacks into the foreground. Pop this shit in and see if anybody notices. 'We've made some tweaks to the Jawa bargaining scene. If you look closely you'll notice a ten minutes scene where Luke scales the outside of the sandcrawler with a missile launcher after shooting a fucking sarlacc to death in a sand pit. Also, we've made some slight hue adjustments." -The Fragnostic; Super Star Wars # "In this version of A New Hope Obi-Wan's attempt at confusing the Stormtroopers with his Jedi mind trick has failed spectacularly. 'You're going to call in heavy reinforcements and murder anything that moves.' 'I'm going to call in heavy reinforcements and murder anything that moves.' 'No, wait.'" -The Fragnostic; Super Star Wars # "Oh yeah. Don't get your facts twisted. we never went looking for Alderaan. We just saw this doomsday weapon hanging around and decided to pop in, use the bathroom, and break some shit on the way out." -The Fragnostic; Super Star Wars # "The Empire ain't taking anymore goddamn chances with you after what you did on Tatooine. "Lord Vader! That blonde kid and his friends from Mos Eisley are here!' 'You're shitting me.' 'No, they just flew right the fuck into the main hangar. It's not even clear what they want Lord Vader, they're just back flipping all over the fucking place, killing anything that moves! The Hutts have fled Tatooine, sir! Grand Moff Tarkin has locked himself in the Emperors bathroom, sir, and he won't come out!" -The Fragnostic; Super Star Wars # "Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to watch three and a half hours of Australian melodrama in one sitting, but from what I remember, it's a pretty reliable way to fool your brain into thinking you're dead." -The Fragnostic; Doom 2: Hell on Earth # "Ohhh. I tell you, lovelies. Don't go in for this 'starting a family' business. Trust your old pal Fraggers. Die alone! It's fucking easier." -The Fragnostic; Doom 2: Hell on Earth # "It's incredibly hard to have legitimate memories when the media keeps inventing childhoods for you." -The Fragnostic; Doom 2: Hell on Earth # "What primordial evil hath wiped it's ass with your soul?" -The Fragnostic; Alien 3 # "So you have to move to close the door, and click to, uh... 'interact'." -The Fragnostic; What's Under Your Blanket!? # "Son of a bitch! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to pleasure myself when the decapitated ghosts of my dead family keep head butting my damn door open?" -The Fragnostic; What's Under Your Blanket!? # "Aha! Not this time, dad. You thought you'd burst in here and be disappointed in me, but I'm just lying in bed, unemployed, at two in the afternoon, staring at the ceiling." -The Fragnostic; What's Under Your Blanket!? # "Here comes the Medusa boss, right here. And there is pitifully little that she can do against you, except fire her own terrified snakes at the ceiling in an attempt to crush herself with it and end this quickly and mercifully, instead of being electrocuted to fucking death." -The Fragnostic; Castlevania 3: Dracula's Curse # "Look, this asshole loves kicking peasants in the head so much he is completely oblivious to the fact that I now have a dragon." -The Fragnostic; Golden Axe # "Don't worry. They're to stupid to have feelings like you or I." -The Fragnostic; Golden Axe # "And, I mean, you don't get to say no, because if you look at where the speech bubble arrow is pointing, it really indicates that you're just ranting to yourself at this point, and the king and queen are just huddled at your feet, terrified over which of your split personalities is going to win the argument of whether they're going to be sacrificed to your primitive war god or not." -The Fragnostic; Golden Axe # "Get away from my digger, you pasty plague weasels! These roadworks will continue! I don't care if I accidentally uncovered your cursed mass grave." -The Fragnostic; Xcavalypse # "I'm a legally recognized simpleton. They'll just pop me back in another orphanage until the excavator comes back for me. And it always comes back for me. 'Time to play, Jimmy!' 'Oh boy, Mr. Excavator, I don't know if I should. The judge said I'm not allowed to come out and ride around with you anymore.' 'Only God can judge us, Jimmy! And he left this place a looong time ago!' 'Well if you say so Mr. Excavator. Where are we going tonight?' 'THE ORPHANAGE!'" -The Fragnostic; Xcavalypse # "The one light in this whole labyrinth blew out the minute I went near it. I mean, that's- that's how you know you're about to have a bad fucking day." -The Fragnostic; Hektor # "You know, my favorite part of that entire cutscene is when Jill asks Barry why he looks so scared, because the answer is simple, and sums up Barry's staggering incompetence far better that mere words ever could. Barry comes to this room to destroy the Researcher's Will. He enters, sees it on the desk, and for some reason known only to him, rather than crumpling it up and putting the whole thing in his pocket, he rips it in half and only hides one page. Now he's standing there with the remaining page in his hand, and he's just- just looking at it. "What in the hell?" He's thinking to himself. "I ripped it in half. Why's it still here? W-what do I do with this page now?! What in the fuck is going on?!" See, in Barry's mind, a simple thing like destroying or concealing two sheets of 8-4 paper seems like a simple, achievable task. But when he goes to actually do it, blind fucking panic sets in. There was one will. I've torn it in half. Now there's two. What's going to happen if I rip this one in half as well? Wi- will there be four? And as Barry stands there, grappling with the idea of having to eliminate potentially millions of Researcher's Wills, because the problem was never the task itself, but that Barry's brain was applied to it like trying to change a flat tire by climbing in the trunk and pissing all over yourself, Jill walks in, and sees the psychological aberration of a man trying to comprehend the mechanics of a reality that only the cruelest of gods would deem him fit for." -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil # "See? Stupid son of a bitch can't even write a suicide note without embarrassing anybody that's reading it." -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil # 'Jill looks at the Tyrant' 'It can't control what it does!' "Oh, well, let's just take it to a fucking shelter, then." -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil # "So, here you see, Barry manages to release the Tyrant, point his gun five feet away from it, and still the fucking thing doesn't die! There's- there's nothing more you could have done, Barry. Truly." -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil # "So, once you come down, back to the third floor, Barry decides he's going to find the king werewolf, and save Christmas! And Jill just kindly nods him on, because that's really the closest he'll ever get to understanding what's happened here." -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil # "I might not be able to throw a punch, sir, but I can sure disappoint you trying." -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil 7 # "I'm not angry with you, I'm just disappointed you're not dead." -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil 7 # "What Goddamn medication have Capcom ran out of? This is fucking lunacy." -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil 7 # "Why isn't this working? Don't bullets normally hit things that are in the cross-hairs?" -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil 7 # "I- I'm sorry, are you stapling my fucking hand back on? With a stapler? Goddamn it, that isn't how medicine works! Remove my hand and replace it with a chainsaw this instant!" -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil 7 # "Holy Crusade Warfare 101, lovelies! If your opponent is dramatically more skilled than you, flee underground! As a cowardly animal, your eye sight is sure to be better developed than theirs." -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil 7 # "Are you kidding me!? You idiot! You're giving me your weapon!?" 'laughs'"Ethan's a fucking Jedi!" -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil 7 # "I'm going to take it all out on you, grandma. Happy birthday!" 'nothing happens' "Now, it might look like I had a change of heart there, but let me assure you, I tried really fucking hard to stab her straight through the eye socket. And apparently, that was wrong of me." -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil 7 # "Son of a bitch, the shotgun panic room! Ha! Hahaha! Let's see you tug me out of here, you fucking freak. I-" 'Now is not the time for that' "What? When could there possibly be a better fucking time for this!?" -The Fragnostic; Resident Evil 7 # 'Robot voice' "You are admitted to Robo University. The pool is now closed for reasons we should have forseen prior to its construction." -The Fragnostic; The Crow's Eye # "And that's it. You've beaten Zombie Nation by throwing up on an alien's crotch. Tell nobody." -The Fragnostic; Zombie Nation # "There's something not quite right with our girl Friday, here. She's all sluggish, red-eyed, her breath stinks. And she's trying to shoot us. I just, can't put my finger on it." -The Fragnostic; Silent Hill # "I've flicked through more entertaining packs of printer paper than this." -The Fragnostic; Himiko # "Goddamn it Sasquatch, I'm going to wear your skin to your own fucking funeral." -The Fragnostic; Finding Bigfoot # "Why have I got to find the bloody time machine? You've not fucking lost it, have you?" -The Fragnostic; The Last Hope # "Got to keep all the science in! Got to build a maze so the science doesn't escape, Goddammit. 'Sir, some science broke free, it overpowered us!' 'Relax Johnson, it'll never escape The Maze.' 'Sir, it- it had help! From geography!' 'Mother of God. Burn everything and kill yourselves!'" -The Fragnostic; The Last Hope # "'Put the mercury in the time machine, !!!carefully and slowly!!!' HA! As if I would treat it with anything other than the absolute greatest of care-" 'knocks mercury over, falls in machine' "Hoooooly, fuck me, there it goes. 'YOU JUST MADE THE WORST MISTAKE IN HUMAN HISTORY!' Underline. Alright, mate. Bloody Hell. 'Mankind and most of the other living creatures disappeared. Now you are the only human on Earth. And it is up to you to save everything. If you fail the aliens will dominate our planet.' Aliens? What the fuck? When did aliens come into this? 'The experiment was a disaster.' Well, clearly. 'All was changed on Earth. You were also changed... You are a viking now!' Ahahaha! 'Don't forget what you have to do and start saving the world. Find the time machine. Try to survive. Explore.' What in the fuck. 'Find the secret portals scattered all over the planet and activate them with your shield. Welcome in U.S.A!' Ahahah! 'After this experiment, was created a wormhole. Now you will can travel in time.'" 'Continues laughing' "Oh shit, it's the dinosaur planet, look out! Hahaha! Traffic cone world. Hahaha, please, hahaha!. Oh my God! Crank! You've out done yourself this time, buddy. You've done us all bloody proud, I'm telling you. 'You are also changed.' Oh yeah? How? 'You're a viking now!' Oh fucking Hell, hahaha! Fuck me dead. Oh, what's this? 'It's your choice.' We can go to Norway or the United Kingdom. Well, United Kingdom is recommended. Who am I to doubt the judgement of the developer after such a marvelous opening chapter? I-" 'character spawns' "'Congrulation! :(' HAHAHAHAHA! It's fucking texting me now! Hahahaha!" -The Fragnostic; The Last Hope # '"If I didn't have the experience with the Steam store that I do, I'd say this is obviously satire. But- just- to much care has gone into this. This is a beautifully crafted abomination." -The Fragnostic; The Last Hope # 'Laughing' "They're still having fucking Oktoberfest! Death won't stop the Germans from having a fucking beer festival! Run that bullshit out of here. 'Fuck, all our skin fell off! Vat should ve do?' 'Get za fucking banners up, it's Oktoberfest.'" -The Fragnostic; The Last Hope # "And here's the thing, here's the part of this that I honestly don't know whether to despise or admire. I've been running in this direction for a solid five minutes or so now, so if this truly is the wrong Goddamn way, that means the developer has purposefully built acres of in-game environment, with no purpose, except to trap you and kill you." -The Fragnostic; The Last Hope # "Fuck me, a piano! This is an opportunity, surely. This is what we call it the Hitman franchise a 'silent assassin' rating. Cut the rope, change back into the fireman outfit, walk away into the night. The only clue I was ever there, a three-piece suit swarming with my DNA, various hair fibers, and a number of documents pertaining to the assassination. Like a shadow!" -The Fragnostic; Little Nightmares # "AHAHA! You squatted window licker, you fetid eejit! Fat hath shat in your eyes for a second time! You dared hope it would be the sound of your true love babbling lusty desires unto thee. 'Oh, make love to me, Stumpy! Fill me with your pungent seed so that I may bear an infant so broken of mind and bone that the birthing of it shall surely kill me!' But it was I all along! The scythe of the reaper, the dagger of the nizari, the razor of Sweeney Cod, the cudgel of the fashion police, all striking at once with the quad-wielding frenzy of the rampaging Vishnu! I AM THE FRAGNOSTIC! And I will wipe my ass with your corpse! There. That's got to be going on a tee-shirt in the next run, isn't it?" -The Fragnostic; Little Nightmares # "Ah, you going to loose them wings, little bird. You going to loose them wings. You great, flapping, albatross, FUCK!" 'cuts off monster's arms' "OOOOH! Ooooh! Oh no! Oh dear! Haha. Oooh. Well, at least you still got those nice, long legs to get you around the place." 'laughs' "Enjoy life, as a fucking cucumber!" -The Fragnostic; Little Nightmares # "You know when NASA sent those collections of recordings and Earth crap into space so that aliens can listen to them? What if the real reason they haven't shown themselves is some prankster sent the Silent Hill soundtrack up there. 'This is what Earth sounds like, all the time. Robots being eaten by larger, screaming robots. Dentist drills fighting each other to the death.' Playing it on their UFO stereo like, 'Nope! Just put a big red cross through that solar system. There. See that big red cross? That cross means no!" -The Fragnostic; Alien: Isolation # "What's in your evidence locker? Nothing. Evidently." -The Fragnostic; Alien: Isolation # "I'm just trampling bodies now. Lost all respect. It's called a character arc! Deal with it." -The Fragnostic; Alien: Isolation # "Again with the missing pieces. 'Oh, I'll just take this fundamentally important part of the elevator and move it halfway across Sevastopol for no real reason, blablablabla.' WELL WHAT THE FUCK?" -The Fragnostic; Alien: Isolation # "Is this the right escape hole? Please let this the be the right hole! Please, God! Yes. Actual quote from when I lost my virginity, there." -The Fragnostic; Alien: Isolation # "I've died! I've died from- what, a completely static cloud of toxic gas perfectly contained within a room with an open door? Oh yes, all aboard the fucking logic train, choo chooo! Now calling at Go Fuck Yourself Central, and Eat A Dick-tropolis, with bullshit on the seat." -The Fragnostic; Alien: Isolation # "Oh yeah, let the wife beaters out. They're our front line against this son of a bitch. Pop them in the meat freezer for twenty minutes first so their dicks shrivel up and they've got something else to feel inadequate about and they'll back-hand this son of a bitch to death for us." -The Fragnostic; Alien: Isolation # "Haha, Julia Jones, haha. You came looking for a story, and the story found you! Don't worry, Julia. I will craft your remains into a small lamp and present it to your loved ones. 'May she shine forever in your hearts.' I will say cleverly. And they will retch and scream and stumble away with tears in their eyes, howling, 'Why did you use her face?!'" -The Fragnostic; Alien: Isolation # "So, hang on. You- you've just seen your pilot skinned and now you're relieved there's a house about a hundred meters away?" -The Fragnostic; Outlast 2 # "What's going on? You gonna jump? All got a bit to much, eh? Oh, no, she's, uh, reading the river a bed time story. Right you are then, love. Oh, it's a good'un. She's right into it, look! She's not even on the first page yet, she's just performing the author's notes on the sleeve." -The Fragnostic; Outlast 2 # "That's the problem here, isn't it. Same with Miles, from the first game. He'll survive being thrown from a helicopter, plunging off a cliff, all kinds off beatings. I bet at some point we'll suffer some kind of deeply traumatic injury that would kill anybody else three times over. Made from motherfucking steel. And yet, will not throw a punch. Will not even attempt to throw a punch to defend himself. It's like at the start of the game- start of both games- it goes, 'Well, you have to run. You're not a fighter.' And you 'd have to say, that's incredibly lucky for everybody else on the planet, 'cause if Miles Upshur threw a right hook at you, your skeleton would detonate inside your body." -The Fragnostic; Outlast 2 # "The fuck? Oh, it's the fence, I think. Or just the game hitting me for no reason. 'Fuck you! WoooOOOoooOOOoo!'" -The Fragnostic; Outlast 2 # 'A teacher once told me that the music of birds was proof that God exists and loves us.' 'Laughs' "The fuck kind of half-wit hatch did you go to school in, Blake?" -The Fragnostic; Outlast 2 # "Ugh. Please, Blake, have the balls to throw a rock at him, at least. He's a tiny little man-baby. Please Blake, throw a punch at the fucking fetus." -The Fragnostic; Outlast 2 # "Fuuuuck. That- Blake, you just gorilla pressed your way out of a fucking grave. Blake, please, just once, please punch one of these burn victims in the mouth. I'm fully confident that once you see their skulls imploding like rotten fruit from the impact of your terrifying gorilla strength, you'll have a whole new outlook on interpersonal violence, and it's clear benefits in certain situations." -The Fragnostic; Outlast 2 # "Seriously, what is the deal, Blake? Is it like a Bruce Banner/Incredible Hulk inner struggle, where you know you could rip any of these mooks in half with distressingly minor effort, but you're afraid of unleashing the beast within?" -The Fragnostic; Outlast 2 # "You've got to respect anybody that's depressed enough to take their own life, but also sardonic enough to mock you in their suicide note." -The Fragnostic; Outlast 2 # "Is Ramona OK? Oh. Oh no. That sounds squelchy. Screaming and squelchy. Never a rewarding combination. And victorious animal roaring, to top it off." -The Fragnostic; Call of Cthulhu: The Dark Corners of the Earth # "Unhand that corpse, sir. That is evidence you're crying all over." -The Fragnostic; Call of Cthulhu: The Dark Corners of the Earth # "It's all good, boys. I'm about to show you something you can't learn in FBI school. Cowardice! I'll see you on the other side, motherfuckers!" -The Fragnostic; Call of Cthulhu: The Dark Corners of the Earth # "Under the sea. Under the Sea! A giant fish man, fucked up my ship and, stole it from me! Among the plankton and the brine! So lurks the doom of all mankind! Our greatest error, waking the terror, under the sea! There's your six episode recap, crusaders." -The Fragnostic; Call of Cthulhu: The Dark Corners of the Earth # "Can you believe this idiot was on the police force at one point? Didn't you run him through basic training? Didn't you pick up any warning signs the minute he was halfway up the rope in the gym and he started foaming at the mouth and threatening to kill himself?" -The Fragnostic; Call of Cthulhu: The Dark Corners of the Earth # "'The second day I suffer from insomnia:(' And there's a sad face just in case you think 'insomnia' is the medical term for shitting out money." -The Fragnostic; Evil # "Something wrestled control of my camera away from me, there. Ghost getting upset that I'm not filming the right things." -The Fragnostic; Paranormal # "Oh, go fuck yourself. What are you coming out of the walls now to? 'Beast of Gevaudan'? I didn't know 'gevaudan' was french for BULLSHIT!" -The Fragnostic; Gevaudan # "I mean, it's so fucking exclusive that there's literally no way to open any of the doors. That's how luxury this is." -The Fragnostic; The Rake: Red Forest # "Sir, I'd be willing to take a less expansive room with a door that actually fucking opens. Just be ready to shoot any poor people that rush me the minute the door opens. They can smell money you know." -The Fragnostic; The Rake: Red Forest # "Fuck. They're so poor they're invisible." -The Fragnostic; The Rake: Red Forest # "Maybe she won't kill me if I give her some digging lessons. You know, what's she going to come back with, a shovel or- or more dirt? I think maybe she got this far with her bare hands, or stumbled upon a previously started hole and attempted to claim it for herself, but a lack of knowledge appropriate to her gender has hindered her. You know, I'm not saying women are useless, I'm just saying I'm good at digging holes for myself, you know? I'm not the sexist here, I didn't design womankind to be feeble, that was God, or Charles Darwin, or whatever. Me, I just keep digging my holes, ever deeper." -The Fragnostic; Erusal # "He's got just about enough brainpower left to stand up and piss down his own leg at the same time." -The Fragnostic; Lucius # "You want to wind me up like a broadband call center operative, you're getting tracked down and beaten like one." -The Fragnostic; Lucius # "And there, we see that my dad has three badly cropped pictures of people he doesn't know at his bedside, and absolutely none of me, so it's been a marvelous afternoon of discoveries all around." -The Fragnostic; Lucius # "There doesn't appear to be another page. Maybe it's further down. Maybe it's in the bushes with a stripe of shite running down the center. Who can say." -The Fragnostic; The Cursed Forest # "Well, this has immediately gone in a direction I think we can all agree is a winning one." -The Fragnostic; The Last Cowboy Category:Interactive Category:Trivia